The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
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