Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i believe in u and ur pee
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