the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
