Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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