I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
