I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
