Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I need help removing her.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
