Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
