so that wasnt chicken after all
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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