I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
