I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
