Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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