I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
