Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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