it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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