I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
