So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
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I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
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We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.