dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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