Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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