im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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