Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
