he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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