Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
