i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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