I wanna passion pit in your ass
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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