the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
