I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
