You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
