I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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