did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
