After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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