if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
