After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize