woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You need Xanax blowdarts
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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