I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
