My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
