I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
