i already hear my dad disowning me
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
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I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
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I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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