oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
