If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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