Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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