Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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