Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
