i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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