just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
