I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
