The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.