I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
