i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
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I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
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we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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