Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
