the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
