Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
