Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
